We interrupt this regularly scheduled email reading for a special bulletin from the Channel 4 storm center. The following is from chief meteorologist John Malan: 'Good day folks. This is the latest on the continuing series of strong storms that will be sweeping through the area. More torrential rain and flooding will be sweeping through the area tonight and/or tomorrow. This will, of course, threaten to wash away anything in its path, including but not limited to: The Tommy Bartlett Ski Show, the entirety of Lake Delton, that condo where we had Vancos' bachelor party, downtown Waukesha, million dollar homes, and the entire city of Big Bend. This is of course a massive tragedy, but I'm having trouble hiding my erection. The truth is I fucking live for this shit and I'm giddy as GD schoolgirl. When there are no disasters in the weather, or at least something that we can play up as a disaster, then I can't sleep at night. In fact, on sunny days I often go home and lapse back into my old habits of heroin use and/or excessive cheesing. So, while this unprecedented weather tragedy sucks for pretty much everyone else, me and my fellow meteorologists are totally getting off on it. Stay tuned to Channel 4 and the Section 8 family of networks for more emergency weather bulletins."* __________________________________________________ Well the torrential rains may have washed away damn near everything this weekend, but there were a few things that survived. The first was the Pautz/Sutton Wedding, which came off spectacularly (see attatchment), as many of the readers of this publication can attest (and so could their headaches on Sunday morning). The second thing that was undaunted by the elements was Section 8 Softball. Mad props to all the crew out at the Coach House Grill for getting the diamonds ready to go (and not just ready to go, in pretty damn good shape), despite the hundreds of inches of rain that fell over the weekend. __________________________________________________ So, could Section 8 channel all the good vibes from these two things into a victory over 2nd place Steve O's? I'll go with definitely maybe. __________________________________________________ This was the first meeting between Section 8 and Steve O's. All three attempted meetings last season were rained out. Both teams got nothing in the 1st inning, but Section 8 cracked the scoreboard in the top of the 2nd on a bases loaded walk by Grgg and an RBI ground-out by Keith. It could've been a lot more had Phil not been robbed of a hit on a smoking liner to the shortstop, with the bases loaded. Steve O's responded with 2 of their own in the bottom of the 2nd to tie things up. Section 8 then got the bases loaded with 1 out in the 3rd and were unable to cash in. In the bottom of the 3rd Steve O's really took control of the game. They hung a 7 spot on our heroes, making it a 9-2 game. The 8 rallied for 3 in their half of the 4th, capitalizing on 3 errors by the opposing shortstop. Steve O's then rallied again for 7 runs in the bottom of the 4th, and after 4 innings it was 16-5 and The 8 was once again flirting with the slaughter rule. But the boys were game this week and would come back to score 5 runs in the 5th to make it something resembling a ballgame again, at 16-10. But Steve O's never let up and piled on 6 more runs in the bottom of 5th. So, The 8 came up in the 6th needing one run to stave off a slaughter rule and perhaps force one more inning. They got that run on an inside the park home run by The Wild Bittner. So, The 8 would get one more crack at it if they could get through the bottom of the 6th unscathed. Unfortunately, they could not. Steve O's only made one out and plated a run in the bottom of the 6th to finally finish it. Final score: Steve O's - 23 Section 8 - 11. Every Section 8 game but one this season has been determined by the slaughter rule (which in the opinion of this reporter is a touch low at 12 runs after 5). And to add injury to insult, Section 8 rookie Peter Dargatz had to leave the game after injuring his shoulder diving for a ball in the 4th inning. Details on the severity of the injury are still unknown, but word is he did have to rock a sling all day on Tuesday. __________________________________________________ Everyone in the Section 8 lineup gets props this week, regardless of their success at the plate. The whole team was incredibly game, and was really into trying to come back in this game. Despite the outcome, it was a very fun game because of it. The star of the night was definitely Sean. He was really stinging the ball and twice made their outfielders pay for bringing a guy in short. Sean ended up 3-4 on the night with 2 doubles, 2 runs and an RBI. Peter was also 3-4, with his only out coming as he attempted to bat after injuring his shoulder. The result of which was a painful dribbler foul. __________________________________________________ On the mound Nicky J (Latin: Cockus Humongicus), was dealing as best he could with the frustrating Steve O's lineup. You have to give credit to those guys, they just kept getting hits. They were able to rack up 25 against Nick and The 8 defense. Nicky's ending line was 23 runs, 20 earned, on 25 hits, 8 walks, and 2 K's. The unearned runs came on two of the more humorous errors seen on a diamond in a while. Now we here at The Update never single out anyone for defensive miscues, except for Chayce, so we won't use any names to protect the innocent, but these were both worth mentioning. The first came in the bottom of the 2nd, when a shallow hit fell into right field, in front of a certain Section 8 outfielder. The fielder charged the ball and came up firing. The only problem was that, for some reason (wet ball?), the throw went from shallow right field into shallow left field, ending up in the grass behind 3rd base. The second came on a grounder back to the mound, which was picked up by the individual that plays in that vicinity and then promptly thrown clean over the fence, into the dugout. They only allowed 3 extra runs and didn't make or break the game, so I feel comfortable discussing these instances because they were pretty damn funny, both then and now. Next week we can get back to ripping Chayce. __________________________________________________ The postgame festivities took on a pretty muted tone. It's clear that the Section 8 drinking prowess is becoming a thing of the past. And with more members joining the ranks of the old and/or married, there is little hope for turning things around. With a little help from their fans, The 8 was able to do 8 pitchers this week. They are still clinging to 2nd place on Monday nights with 60 pitchers, but just barely. __________________________________________________ Next week, weather permitting, Section 8 will look to right the ship as they take on their old nemesis, It Ain't Heaven. This may be the longest running series in all of Coach House Softball. Every game with these guys seems to be an epic. Section 8 finally got back in the win column against them last fall in a 13-11 thriller. That all goes down next week at 8:15. Something tells me that the slaughter rule will not be needed in this one. __________________________________________________ *All quotes attributed to local weathermen are impersonated. We here at Section 8 do not really know John Malan, or any meteorologists for that matter. Though, Paul Joseph did teach a class while we were at Marquette and I heard he was a dick. We have no knowledge that can factually link John Malan to either heroin, cat piss, or any other criminal substance. Nor can we verify the causes and/or frequency of his erections.